The Journey to Loving Who I Am

By Destiny Allison

When I was young, I imagined sitting at a desk in a small, dark room frantically typing away at my next bestseller. I would be brilliant, adored, infinitely creative and, of course, beautiful. I didn’t understand then that beauty was subjective, and that it would take a lifetime for me to realize how to love myself.

Nothing turned out the way I originally imagined. My office is light filled and tranquil. African masks grace a warm, vanilla wall. A green patina vase holds silk flowers the color of fall. I have yet to write a bestseller. While there are those who adore me and creativity still abounds, youthful beauty has faded like the photos in the hall.

I started writing at nine. At ten, my parents told me I was fat, and my world began to shift.

By twelve, I had breasts but my mother didn’t believe in bras. Running down the soccer field, they bounced and jiggled of their own free will. Boys snickered. Girls whispered. I hated the attention.

At sixteen, I was a college freshman. I didn’t belong. With braces on my teeth and a body hidden beneath flannel shirts and loose Levis, I tried to fit in. I borrowed clothes, put on excessive makeup, and went to parties with the rest of the kids.

I fell in love. I learned about sex. My boyfriend took nude pictures of me in a meadow and showed them to his friends. He made me feel beautiful, until he told me his friends thought my belly too big. Then all I felt was hurt.

At twenty, I married. At twenty-two, I had twins. The construction workers stopped whistling because I was no longer thin. Before the babies, my husband loved the way I dressed. Short dresses clung to a body that made sense. After the birth of my children, he said, “Don’t show cleavage or skin. You’re a mother now.” What he meant was dress the part or I’d send the wrong message to people who mattered to him.

I left him at twenty-eight. With three children in tow I fled back to my hometown. I wailed to my mother, “I have stretch marks and babies. Will anyone love me again?”

I’ve been fat three times. Once with each pregnancy and once after my back failed. Other than that, I’ve been slim. In my youth, I hated the body I had and couldn’t appreciate the beauty I possessed. It belonged to other people and was never good enough for them. Now, at forty seven, I’m toned and fit, but when I hit a dance floor, men still think my body belongs to them. I feel them staring and pull my husband close. “Put me in your bubble,” I say. “I’m not safe again.”

This man loves me, scars and all. He thinks I’m beautiful and tells me all the time. It’s taken more than a decade to accept the compliments he gives. I learned to do it so I wouldn’t hurt him. After awhile, I started to believe him. Now, face lined by years and skin starting to sag, my only regret is time missed loving what I have and who I am.

About the Author:
Destiny Allison was a professional and award-winning sculptor. Her work is collected by individuals, civic entities, and corporations worldwide. When an injury required her to re-envision her life, Allison did what she always does. She applied her explosive creativity and dog-with-a-bone tenacity to new endeavors.

In 2011 she was named Santa Fe Business Woman of the Year. Her community building efforts and innovative business model transformed a bankrupt shopping center into a thriving community and commercial center.

In 2012 she published her first book, Shaping Destiny: A quest for meaning in art and life. The book won best independent non-fiction/memoir in the 2013 Global Book Awards.

Since then, she has published two novels and opened a general store.

Allison believes that one’s life is one’s greatest work of art. Hence, she flows freely between mediums. Unafraid to make mistakes and always passionate, she lives in Santa Fe, NM.

More info at: www.destinyallisonbooks.com, 
Facebook: Destiny Allison Books
Twitter: sfsculptor

 

 

The Romance Diet:

Brave, raw, and unflinchingly honest, this book is a weight loss journey, a love story, a heart beating loudly on the page. Every day we battle against something--injustice, our spouses, our weight. Seldom do we acknowledge the real wars we wage. Repressing feelings and silencing our voices, we suffer under the surface, attributing emotional distress and unwanted pounds to the inescapable effects of hormones or age.

But weight gain, anxiety, and marital difficulties aren't always so easy to explain.

In her poignant and touching memoir, Allison doesn't offer recipes, exercise tips, or advice. Instead, she shows us how to stand up, express what we want, and develop empathy for ourselves and the people we love. In doing so, she provides invaluable insight for those seeking to lose weight, save a marriage, or make a significant life change.

Includes a Readers Guide.