As a kid, my dream was to be a writer and a mom. "I can stay home with the kids and write!" Now, as a mom of a 7-month-old, I know this to be a sweet idealistic and unrealistic fantasy.
Despite that, it's still my dream to be a full-time writer and have free time to spend with my family and do the other things I love – swim and explore new trails. To do this, I'd have to leave a secure, full-time job with benefits and enter the uncertain world of a working artist.
This creates equal parts excitement and fear. Yes, that’s the life I want, but I have a family that depends on me. What if I quit my job with the stable income and health insurance, and then fail and let down my whole family and put them in a bad situation all because I selfishly wanted to chase a dream?
I have been contemplating this question for months. I read books like Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert, Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, and Untamed by Glennon Doyle trying to find a nugget of wisdom that I could use. I loved these books, the authors’ strong voices, and their message that people, especially women, should – and can – pursue their dreams.
And yet I was still stuck.
I needed to problem solve this dilemma because it, in addition to my 7-month-old with an inconsistent sleep cycle, was keeping me up at nights. So, I turned to the journaling course 7 Days to Money Mastery to better focus on my goals and intentions. While completing this self-paced journaling course, I realized two things: 1) I don't have a clear model of what a successful artist’s life looks like for a person who is the main breadwinner of a family and 2) I'm afraid to fail at something I've never tried. My issues aren't as much about money as they are about lacking a clear direction and confidence.
I wish this were a blog post in which I could tell you that I gained confidence and quit my soul-sucking full-time job and am now a successful writer who earns enough to support her family. The truth is, my job isn’t soul-sucking – it’s just time consuming. And maybe I don’t get to swim and go on trail adventures as much as I’d like, but I still make time for them. I have little writing projects that I complete on Sunday mornings, if the baby is asleep. I’m still in the writing game – it’s just not the focus of my career.
Through the 7-Days to Money Mastery journaling course, I realized that the thing I value most is family. And because of that, I will make monetary decisions that most benefit my family. At this time, those decisions include staying in a full-time job that will allow us to have a comfortable life rather than take a risk that could negatively affect everyone.
I wish also that this were a blog post that I could title “The Top Ten Ways to Reach Your Dreams” or at least provide you with concrete advice on how to achieve something seemingly unattainable. Maybe one day I can write that post. Today, I am playing it safe. Today, I know that I need more models of a successful artist’s life and more confidence in my writing. Today, I continue to research and write on Sunday mornings. Today, I accept that I am doing what’s best for my family. Today, I’m laying the groundwork for a comfortable life while also creating small stepping stones towards the artist’s path. Today, I continue to journal for self-reflection, posterity, self-fulfillment. And maybe tomorrow I will discover that my dream is a sweet realistic and attainable goal.
Author bio: Anne Greenawalt is a competitive swimmer, trail adventurer, dog lover, and a new mom who works as the training manager at a nonprofit that provides services to youths who have experienced trauma. To earn her doctorate in adult education from Penn State University, she studied the learning and identity development that takes place when sportswomen share and reflect on their sports narratives. Anne was born, raised, and still lives in central Pennsylvania, but loved traveling while earning her master’s degree in creative writing from the University of East Anglia in Norwich, England.
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