By Pam Dickhaus
I'm setting out to find myself……Such was the sentiment I wanted under my senior picture in my high school yearbook. "Several" years later, I'm still trying to do just that (and we won't go into the meaning of "several").
The 23 Days Find Your True Self Challenge opened my eyes to some things that may have been a little lacking in my life. One is spending more time with my family and friends doing activities we enjoy. Some of that is a little hard to do since one of my children lives too far away. But the other child is in the same town with me and I am setting a new goal of spending more quality time with him.
Another thing that was evident throughout the challenge is that I need to be creating more, whether it be writing, Zentangle-inspired art, doodling or coloring, I need to do it and I want to. In essence, I need to play, experience that freedom I had as a child to relieve some of the pressure of adult life.
I also learned that my inner critic is holding me back. "You aren't good enough to do that"; "you'll never make it"; "you're too stupid." The talk in my head tries to stop the creativity with some things I learned as a child as well. It seems I got the message somewhere that I should just do the easy stuff or take the easy road and not reach out, grab my dreams and go with them where they take me. I also learned that I don't have to be "perfect". Everybody has flaws and makes mistakes. I found that I am more compassionate and understanding with others than myself. I don't give myself enough credit and I am probably too hard on myself.
But, I am not stupid and I have to learn to push that critic aside and just do. When that thing pops up, I can tell it to my journal and channel away from it. I discovered I don't like my inner critic much. If it was actually a physical entity, a baseball bat might come in handy.
Some of the exercises in this challenge were a little difficult, like describing how I think people see me, what I project to them. At first I thought "I don't give a hoot what others think" but I do. However, I learned that I don't have to let that undermine my goals and dreams. Although I still feel "not quite good enough"; "not dressed well enough" I have to turn to my journal and work through it because it really doesn't matter what others think as long as I am comfortable with who I am, being kind and compassionate and always working towards my goals.
What a challenge! It was a little tough but it was well worth it to discover things I can do to make changes and I would recommend this journaling challenge to all. Every one of Mari's challenges has helped me gain a little more ground on where I want to go and what I want to be. Yes, they may just be baby steps right now but didn't we all start out with baby steps? We didn't get up and just walk after we learned to crawl. It should be no different as an adult.
ABOUT
Pam Dickhaus: I am a former journalist, having worked as a correspondent for a large metro paper in another part of my state and as a general assignment reporter for our local paper. I have been doing creative writing in the form of poetry and short stories for most of my life. My most recent job was at a residential mental health crisis center, working as a Mental Health Technician. Currently, I am pursuing work from home in the form of blogging jobs and making and selling some of my craft items. In my spare time, I write, play in my art journal, do Zentangle, and make handcrafts. I work part-time delivering newspapers.
I live in Wyoming with my kitties. My two children are grown and moved out on their own and have blessed me with four grandchildren.
I use spiral notebooks and old hardcover books that I alter for journals and art journals and write in longhand for the most part. I am also in the process of writing several novels, as well as my memoir, geared toward self-help.
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